If it's possible that anyone reading this doesn't know what Gasparilla is, it is a festival held in Tampa in honor of some pirate named Gaspar, or something. But who cares about that. What it really means is that everyone wakes up at 8a.m., dresses like slutty pirates, drinks rum from the bottle, and roams around the city. Beads are thrown at you merely for doing drunk kid stuff. There is a parade as well. Every year I have been too drunk to make it to the actual parade, but I hear good things. So this Gaspy I have some goals for myself. It's like New Years resolutions but more important.
1. Continue to be too drunk to make it to the parade.
I won't remember it anyway, so what's the point really.
2. Get Einstein's the day before and put it in my fridge for the morning.
For some reason the school thinks it's a good idea to close all sources of food distribution the morning of Gasparilla. A day where the first thing a student will hear is "wake-up it's time to start doing jello shots, bitch." I see this as one of the stupidest things the school could possibly do. One waffle in a brown paper bag is not soaking about the amount of alcohol I am going to consume. Ten pancakes, two bagels, and three eggs couldn't soak up the amount of alcohol I am going to consume. Step it up.
3. Don't eat a whole tray of jello shots before 10 a.m.
Dying before noon on Gasparilla does not make you a legend. It makes you a freshman. We are trying to go all day and all night here people. Save room for the rum.
4. Get my best friend a leash.
You can't do Gasparilla without your crew. Then you would be a real alcoholic instead of just an alcohol sometimes. I got separated from my crew last year and this resulted in us collectively not remembering most of what happened. My best friend also got thrown over a fence (sources confirm). This year I will get her a leash so we will never lose each other and she won't need to get x-rays.
5. See someone rock the peg leg.
Let's get weird.
6. Keep in mind that Gasparilla shares the day with National Gossip Girl day.
I know. How can this day get any better, right? Pirates and the upper east side are basically the same thing. They are all mean and they love money, jewelry, and getting drunk. I can't see any reason why they would not be on the same day. I will definitely be sporting a bow/bandana for the occasion.
7. No matter how I feel, I will rally.
We have all been to that point when we know we are just fucked. Like when you take that last shot and it literally tastes like water and you know the rest of this night is not going to be remembered. This is never more prominent than on Gasparilla. However, this day comes once a year. No matter how drunk you are or how much you just puked into that bush, you will rally. Let's all make a pact on that.
8. Never leave a friend behind.
If you encounter someone who is not about to rally through to the night here is how I think you should handle it: you give them one hour to be passed out. We are sympathetic to our dead pirates, it's happened to the best of us. Then, you be a good friend and you get two beers....pirates love beer. Open the first one and pour it on your passed out buddy. Once they have awaken you hand them the other one. It's time to rally.