Wednesday, September 25, 2013

You Know You're a Senior When...

Four years of this just isn't enough. This is a throwback for the seniors 2014. 

21 Things that Make You a Senior

1. You went to UT before it was cool.

2. It will always be the Spot.

3. You could never remember a Mangroves open bar.

4. Parties at West Lemon Street.

5. You miss stumbling home after a night at Tonic.

6. "Back in my day we didn't have these fancy new dorms or lacrosse teams..." talks to freshman.

7. The day that you were able to go to MacDintons changed your life.

8. What is a Morsani Hall?

9. You only have one more Gasparilla left and that scared the shit out you.

10. Czar nights...

11. You remember writing on the chalk boards at the Spot.

12. You're secretly sad that Frankies is now the Outpost.

13. "Can you buy me alcohol?"

14. You love happy hour more than most things everything in your life.

15. Passing down your fake and feeling like a part of you just died.

16. The bouncers at the Dub saying they have seen you before as you hand them your real ID for the first time.

17. You know which security guards are the assholes and which ones probably smoke weed too.

18. Spending all of your money at AJA just to not remember any of it.

19. You can't go home without getting New York New York.

20. The sketchy stairs leading up to the Minarets was worth it.

21. You wish you could do it all over again.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Gasparilla

Gasparilla. You say this word to your friends from home and they think you sneezed. You say this word to your Tampa crew and they just start yelling. Mostly about rum, beads, and blacking out. I would say it's better than Christmas because it is better than Christmas. Stock up on your Captain Morgan kids.

If it's possible that anyone reading this doesn't know what Gasparilla is, it is a festival held in Tampa in honor of some pirate named Gaspar, or something. But who cares about that. What it really means is that everyone wakes up at 8a.m., dresses like slutty pirates, drinks rum from the bottle, and roams around the city. Beads are thrown at you merely for doing drunk kid stuff. There is a parade as well. Every year I have been too drunk to make it to the actual parade, but I hear good things. So this Gaspy I have some goals for myself. It's like New Years resolutions but more important.

1. Continue to be too drunk to make it to the parade.
I won't remember it anyway, so what's the point really.

2. Get Einstein's the day before and put it in my fridge for the morning.
For some reason the school thinks it's a good idea to close all sources of food distribution the morning of Gasparilla. A day where the first thing a student will hear is "wake-up it's time to start doing jello shots, bitch." I see this as one of the stupidest things the school could possibly do. One waffle in a brown paper bag is not soaking about the amount of alcohol I am going to consume. Ten pancakes, two bagels, and three eggs couldn't soak up the amount of alcohol I am going to consume. Step it up.

3. Don't eat a whole tray of jello shots before 10 a.m.
Dying before noon on Gasparilla does not make you a legend. It makes you a freshman. We are trying to go all day and all night here people. Save room for the rum.

4. Get my best friend a leash.
You can't do Gasparilla without your crew. Then you would be a real alcoholic instead of just an alcoholic sometimes. I got separated from my crew last year and this resulted in us collectively not remembering most of what happened. My best friend also got thrown over a fence (sources confirm). This year I will get her a leash so we will never lose each other and she won't need to get x-rays.

5. See someone rock the peg leg.
Let's get weird.

6. Keep in mind that Gasparilla shares the day with National Gossip Girl day. 
I know. How can this day get any better, right? Pirates and the upper east side are basically the same thing. They are all mean and they love money, jewelry, and getting drunk. I can't see any reason why they would not be on the same day. I will definitely be sporting a bow/bandana for the occasion.

7. No matter how I feel, I will rally.
We have all been to that point when we know we are just fucked. Like when you take that last shot and it literally tastes like water and you know the rest of this night is not going to be remembered. This is never more prominent than on Gasparilla. However, this day comes once a year. No matter how drunk you are or how much you just puked into that bush, you will rally. Let's all make a pact on that.

8. Never leave a friend behind.
If you encounter someone who is not about to rally through to the night here is how I think you should handle it: you give them one hour to be passed out. We are sympathetic to our dead pirates, it's happened to the best of us. Then, you be a good friend and you get two beers....pirates love beer. Open the first one and pour it on your passed out buddy. Once they have awaken you hand them the other one. It's time to rally.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

5 Things Guys Do That Creep Us Out (elaboration to the tweets)

I have tweeted about this and this topic is what gave me the idea to start this thing. More has to be said about this. A guy you are really excited about can be ruined by just one of these things. Justice must be served. 

#1 Sneak up behind me at the club and start grinding on me.

I seriously just don't understand why guys think this is ok. Would you sneak up behind someone on the street and start rubbing your penis on them? Probably not, because that is sexual assault. Now that you are in the club the rules have not suddenly changed. Maybe you should like, I don't know, introduce yourself before you put your dick on me? Try that next time.

#2 Text me at 3 a.m. to watch a movie.

This isn't as much creepy as it is just rude. Like OK we get it, you want to have sex. You know this, we know this, so let's not hide behind this whole "watching a movie" thing. I would be lying if I said I haven't agreed to do this multiple times. I'm just saying it's the classic doucher move. I know it usually works for you guys out there, but just remember we see you as nothing more than that douche bag guy we sleep with sometimes.

#3 Ask me for naked pictures.

You are having a flirty/semi dirty conversation via text message. It's going well you think he's cute, nice, and obviously interested. Being that you are actually still answering his texts after an hour there is an 85% chance that you are going to hook up with him the next time you get drunk at the bar. Then he asks you for "a picture". There is now a 7% chance you are going to hook up with him the next time you get drunk at the bar. It's just awkward taking naked pictures. What angle should I go for? Should there be face? No, definitely no face. Right? Fuck, why did I eat that McDonalds at 10 p.m. It's the opposite of fun. Also, that guy that you just liked 13 seconds ago is now creepy. It's a lose lose for everyone.

#4 Send me dick pics.

I figure this is guys' reasoning behind the dick pic. "Well, I would like a picture of her boobs therefore she would like a picture of my dick!" Wrong. So very, very wrong. I like guys a lot. But I know I speak for many girls out there when I say penises are not cute. A picture of one will not turn me on. Maybe you are trying to convey the size, I don't really know, but regardless it's still creepy. If you want us to see it in real life just keep it a mystery, ok?

#5 Text me while we are in the same room.

Probably my biggest pet peeve ever. WHY. Just why. Texting is a form of communication that allows two people to quickly get in contact with each other. Guess what? If you are in the same room you are already in contact. There is an old art form that has almost become extinct and it is called verbal communication. Texting me from across the room either makes it look like you are 1) not confident enough to come talk to my face or 2) embarrassed to be seen talking to me. And we know it's not #2. No confidence is not cute, creeper.

UTGP Blog Edition

Sometimes, 140 characters just doesn't do it for me. I mean, I'm sure we have all been there when something has happened and we think, no not think, we know that the world would be a better place if it knew the exact details of that event along with your every thought about it. Not telling the rest of humanity would just be cruel. So that is why I have started this. Because 140 is just not enough when it comes to some things.